Dear Jaya,

When considering something new (like a relationship) how can I tell if those small voices in the back of my head (She’s going to be trouble, This won’t work out) are me holding on to the past that I need to get beyond ... OR me getting the useful lessons from my past? I understand that hanging on to the past can stop me from moving forward, but perhaps these are useful healthy learned lessons that are keeping me appropriately cautious?

Muddled Mind

 

Dear MM,

Here’s the short answer: Life is not a debate. You’re not living your life when you’re stuck in your head. You’re not in the present when you’re reviewing the past. You’re not experiencing what’s happening when you’re trying to fit it into what’s happened before.

Let me briefly state that The Work of Byron Katie is far and away my favorite way to look at what the mind’s saying and find the clarity in the muddle. This system of inquiry offers a clear and simple way to question the thoughts that keep us from being free and simply operating in the moment out of what we know.

Let me also state that it’s useful to look at your past in isolated moments set aside for that purpose and see what you need to see. Chances are good you’ve already done that. Then you don’t need to keep doing it every moment: it’s in your repertoire of acquired wisdom; it’s in your cells. I’m pretty sure people go over the past or hold onto it, refer to it, much more often than they need to.

Since I can’t take you through inquiry on paper, let me offer you five powerful facts of life:

1. Life happens in the present moment.

Substitute conscious for cautious. If you’re showing up consciously here and now, whatever you need to know and whatever you need to do to proceed is available in the moment. Notice what’s really happening: this means drop what you fear will happen, what you want to have happen, what you wish were happening. When we show up for what’s really happening, open and curious, things get really interesting.

I had a fascinating dating episode (more recent than my vanity would have it) in which I got confused by someone’s change of behavior. Instead of simply saying, “I’m confused by your change of behavior,” I tried to show up how I thought I should, pretended, answered questions I didn’t want to answer just because they were posed—in short, I lost track of myself completely; I disconnected from myself and from her. But that was for one evening: I found my clarity again and came back to presence and honesty. And . . . it took me several weeks to unravel that one evening and unpack the gifts it held for me. (No regrets. The gifts were lovely.)

2. You know what to do.

Note that this doesn’t mean you have to have it all figured out ahead of time. And you never need to know how anything will unfold. The how reveals itself along the way. You just need to proceed one step at a time: where do I want to place my foot right now? If you have a clear intention (I’m moving toward a healthy relationship), then take one next step toward or away from a specific person or event, whichever way feels right in the moment. Let me be clear: one single simple step, in one moment.

You can think of steering a car as a cool metaphor—you’re constantly moving the wheel left or right, even when the road is straight, and you’re still heading the right way. The steering adjustment in the moment doesn’t necessarily match the final destination, but the series of adjustments that driving entails will get you there, every time.

In the moment, you know what to do. (And sometimes that means saying, “I’m confused right now and I’m going off to be by myself till I get clarity.”)

3. You are guided.

You’ll get all the red flags you ever need. You always have. You may have chosen not to look at them, you may have told yourself lies when they showed up, but there they were. (If you doubt this, go back over the past and see if you can find them retroactively.)

I have a client who was worried about missing the red flags with regard to dating. We talked about proceeding in trust that the Universe would show her whatever she needed to see. Shortly after this conversation, she had a glorious experience of noticing a question that came up for her about a man she’d made a date with—then a friend of hers articulated the same question aloud. She took action and put the question directly to the man; his answer sent her gleefully out the nearest exit. She felt so empowered: yes, I can see the red flags. Yes, I can respond appropriately.

This means you don’t have to sit around watching for flashes of red all over the place. (No need to grab hummingbirds by the throat.)

4. Focus on you, not on the other.

Don’t worry about what the other person does or doesn’t do, whether she’s honest or reliable, how and whether she’ll show up. You don’t need to determine whether she’ll be trouble; don’t be trouble yourself! If you’re clear with yourself, honest with yourself, showing up for yourself and for the truth of the present moment . . . you’re all set.

Staying connected to yourself, you’ll be able to connect honestly with the other person, and you’ll see what you need to see. This could include (as in the story I told on myself above) that you’ll notice when you’ve strayed from honesty, from checking in clearly with yourself, from being present to what’s actually happening. There’s no problem here: as soon as you notice, get back on track. (Remember, life is like meditation: you leave the process again and again but keep coming back, keep coming back, keep coming back.)

5. Let go of attachment to outcome.

You really can’t go wrong if you’re not trying to make things come out a certain way. This brings us full circle because it allows you to show up in the present moment, the only place where life can be lived. Glorious, fresh, wondrously creative in-the-moment reality!

Have fun!

Love, Jaya

TAGGED WITH: attachment to outcome, be here now, clarity, honesty, Ithaca, Jaya the Trust Coach, life coaching, living in the present moment, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie

Dear Jaya,

I don't like how insecure I am in relationships. I walk on eggshells a lot and find I'm often feeling lonely, sometimes feeling that I don't know where I stand in the relationship. I worry that I'm boring or stupid. I'm not always this way, but it feels like a pattern. I'm not in a relationship right now. How can I work on this before I start up again with someone new? Ready for Something Better

 

Dear Ready,

It’s easy—it’s even ideal—to work on whatever you need to work on between relationships. Whatever you do anywhere, you do everywhere. So notice where you do the things you don’t want to do with anyone (family, friends, teachers, coworkers, employers or employees, cashiers, bus drivers—in short, anyone!). And practice doing more of what you want to do with them. It will all transfer.

When we’re insecure, we tend to be looking to others to let us know we’re okay. Our stance toward them is a constant unspoken questioning: Am I okay? Now am I okay? Am I still okay?

What you can do between relationships is cultivate knowing that you’re okay. Cultivate not needing that feedback from anyone else. If you become someone who doesn’t look to others for that reassurance, then you’re way less likely to do it later with a lover. Or if you do that because it’s an old default, it won’t feel right anymore. You’ll notice you’re off-track and you’ll come back to yourself.

Notice the ways you try to get others to tell you you’re okay. Notice any way you look for approval, acknowledgment, compliments, and see if you can catch yourself and quit it. Start by just noticing when you do it—without beating yourself up. Notice and name it: Ah, there I am looking for reassurance again that I’m okay. In time, this will lead to catching yourself before you do it, then to choosing not to do it, then to not even thinking that way.

Notice, too, the ways you automatically (addictively) give others what you crave receiving. In other words, how do you bolster, soothe, or flatter others to let them know that they’re okay? Are you willing to quit doing that? You may fear that people won’t want you around or won’t love you if you don’t give that. It would be a grand experiment to sit through those feelings and not go to the default behavior. Think of it as not robbing others of their spiritual lessons. Let them work out that they’re okay just as you’re working this out for yourself. And experience yourself as a valid person in relation to others when your job isn’t to reassure them. 

If you worry that you might be seen as boring or stupid (and I invite other readers to fill in the adjectives you fear being called), all you really need to do is work on not being bored and on not living below your own intellectual capacity. When you’re interested, you’re interesting. When you’re learning new things (anything!), your brain is developing.

You’re not likely to be boring when you’re passionate about something. And I’m not suggesting that you stir up nonstop passion: you can alternate passion with serenity, and there’s a long distance between serenity and boredom. So cultivate what interests you. Read or learn or talk or think about things that you’re curious about. When, as a result, you don’t feel boring or stupid, you won’t sit around worried someone else will think that. They’re thinking that inside your head—so it’s really you having these thoughts about yourself.

 It’s easy to feel lonely between relationships, so you can use that gift when it shows up to practice meeting your own loneliness. If you know how to do it single, you’ll be able to do it when you’re partnered. It’s wonderful that you have the clarity that you’re lonely in relationship. So many single people tell themselves they wouldn’t be lonely if they were in a relationship. Amnesia sets in and they forget all the times they felt perfectly lonely inside the couple. They may have focused at the time on what was wrong with the relationship or what was wrong with their partner or even what was wrong with them. But loneliness is loneliness, and humans feel it whether or not they’re paired up.

How can you be with loneliness well? I suggest you start by noticing when you’re feeling it and then be still with it awhile. At the very least, stay aware of what you’re calling loneliness as you go about your business. It helps a lot to notice that it doesn’t overwhelm you. It’s bearable. Even when you tell yourself you can’t stand it, you can (or you’d pass out or die). And if you don’t go into attacking yourself, and you learn how to meet the self-defeating thoughts that arise, then you can also open to reaching out to others, going out to meet people, pursuing your interests, or exploring spiritual practices or concepts to be with yourself lovingly and honestly. Read Pema Chodron. Read Byron Katie, Eckhart Tolle. Byron Katie’s I Need Your Love—Is That True? is all about the ways we try to get love, approval, and appreciation from others, especially in love relationships.

You’re really never in between relationships because your relationship with yourself is ongoing and inescapable. The better you live with yourself, the better you’ll live with someone else—because you’ll still be carrying on the relationship with yourself in that context. The more conscious you are in it, the more at ease you are with whatever comes up, loneliness included, the more you won’t put any trip on your lover to give you what you’re lacking. And then, you’ll be so solid on your own two feet, you can stop walking on eggshells.

Love yourself, Jaya

TAGGED WITH: Eckhart Tolle, give yourself what you want from others, insecurity, Ithaca, Jaya the Trust Coach, life coaching, loneliness, Pema Chodron, relationships, self-love, The Work of Byron Katie

Dear Jaya,

My wife and I are having a gathering at our house soon that’s an annual event. It should be fun but it'll involve a fair amount of stress, too. Life has been pretty stressful lately anyway, and my parents seem to send me right off the stress charts. I just don’t want them there. They’re assuming they’re invited to this thing because they always have been. How do I tell them they're not? My mom's going to be hurt and my dad will be offended. He'll go into lecturing me in that awful Son-you’ve-let-me-down way. Can you help?

—Dread Is the Word

 

Dear Dread Word,

I always find this sort of thing breaks down into clear, manageable parts if you’re clear about what’s your business and what’s not.

It’s your business whether you do or don’t want your parents at your party. It’s your business to let them know they're not invited. And it's your business how you respond to their reaction. That's about it. You'll be most clean and clear in your communication with them if you stay out of guilt and stay out of their business.

Tall order? Some pointers follow.

It’s their business how they react to being uninvited. (And they get to react any way that comes out.) It’s their business to tend to their own emotions. (You're off the hook! Legitimately.) Your mom has had a lifetime to deal with feeling hurt; if she still doesn’t deal with it well, here comes another chance.

It’s great to value not being deliberately hurtful to other human beings. If you tell your mom she’s not invited in a way that’s overtly unkind (“Ma, I’m gonna dive into the forsythia bush if you show up in that purple Mumu again and shriek at me across the lawn”), then you’re being hurtful. But if you simply tell the truth (“Ma, I don’t want you and Pa to come this year. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed by my life and I’m cutting out stress wherever I can”), then there’s no problem on your end. If she has a problem, let her: she gets to have her problems, and she can deal with them. Never make it your job to keep someone from their feelings or their spiritual lessons.

It’s not your business whether your dad gets offended or what he says to you. It’s certainly your business how much you want to listen to. If I were uninviting my parents, I’d probably be willing to hear some of what they have to say because I’d figure they sat through listening to me uninvite them. But there may (pretty quickly, even) come a point when I’m not willing to hear it all.

While you're still willing to listen, here's something useful I learned from Byron Katie, who likes to say that defense is the first act of war: there’s no war when someone says something attacking; the War begins when I defend. Katie encourages people to “find it”: just look for how what they’re saying could be true, and agree instead of defending. Then simply reiterate your position.

Parent: “For all the lack of good sense you demonstrate, you’re sure brilliant at keeping us at a distance.”

Me: “I guess I do have some talent that way.”

(or)

“I can see why you’d see me that way.”

(or)

“Well, there may be some truth to that.”

And then I would repeat my request: “And right now I’m really clear I need to get stress down and I’m asking you not to come.”

This could go back and forth any number of times, so keep it to a number you can tolerate and remain calm for. Your task is to agree when they say something that has any iota of truth to it, and hold your truth by repeating it. You can always walk away or hang up the phone or not respond to the e-mail.

As for operating without guilt (in three paragraphs or less): I think fundamentally it's a simple matter (really), but people often experience guilt as pervasive and unyielding, so they find it difficult to step out of. The fact is, if you're clear that what you're doing is well within your rights, and if you exercise those rights kindly (or without overt unkindness), then there really is nothing to feel guilty about. Here's where it's powerful to question your underlying beliefs (the ones that produce and perpetuate the guilt)—or at least notice what they are, and notice that they may not be true.

You could be operating out of any number of beliefs. Here are some possibilities:

• I should always welcome my parents.
• I owe them an invitation.
• I shouldn't do anything that could hurt my mother's feelings.
• I shouldn't disappoint my father.
• If my father says I'm doing it wrong, he's right.
• I should always feel warm and loving toward family members.

 

The list could go on. I encourage you to get yours down on paper. Some release  is possible just from identifying these guilt-growing thoughts. And total release may come when you take in on a deep level that these thoughts simply aren't true. They're just thoughts—not a narration of reality, which is how we hear them when we don't pause to check it out.

Let's change the word to fun. I wish you as much fun talking this out with your parents as you have at your party without them.

Love, Jaya

TAGGED WITH: clarity, communication, defense, family relationships, guilt, Ithaca, Jaya the Trust Coach, life coaching, New York, questioning your thoughts, staying in your business, The Work of Byron Katie, underlying beliefs

Note that gender was not apparent in this question, so I opted to use the gender-neutral she and sister in my response. Please apply to yourself whatever pronouns and sibling words you prefer.

 

Dear Jaya,

Something threw me off recently and I can't seem to get back to solid ground. I keep watching myself revert to old behaviors that I don't want to see. I hate this! Where has all my progress got to? I'm having way too many moments where I'm reactive, angry, and weirdly rigid or insecure at seemingly random moments. Help!

--Wanting My Best Self Back

 

Dear Wanting BS,

Ay. I totally get that impulse to prefer the shining version of yourself over the others. It's a great impulse to work with, because it takes us out of reality and ultimately into insanity. You're basically saying that what's real and present now isn't okay, and that looking back you'll take what was real only in certain moments and make that the only acceptable way. Does that sound sane to you?

 

Have you ever played either role in the scenario where a grown-up is yelling at a kid for something he or she has (supposedly) done wrong, and as the kid creeps around trying to make it right, the grown-up keeps yelling about each next thing that's all wrong? This is total hell, for both players. (I can look back on my own life and see I've played both roles and hated every minute of it either way.) The kid, of course, doesn't have a prayer of getting back to a best self in this set-up.

 

So notice the violence and unkindness you're perpetuating on yourself. While you're treating yourself like everything you're doing and feeling isn't okay, how likely is it that you'll get back to your best self? Or is it more likely you'll be reactive and insecure? And maybe angry and weirdly rigid? (If you need help answering these questions, be sure to write back.)

 

So what if you sat down with the part of you who isn't so solid and told her she's just fine? What if you welcomed her? Could you thank her for showing up again and sticking around for a while? She comes bearing gifts, and you may want to let her stay long enough for you to open them.

 

What could be the gift of being with (and just plain being) your ugliest self? Here's a quick brainstorm:

 

• The chance to practice unconditional love—and if you can give it to yourself, you can give it to others (the operative word here is practice—don't expect yourself to get it right, just show up and give it a try);

• Awareness that she's as much you as is the best self; in fact, without her, there would be no best self (wasn't she the one who led you to look for, connect with, experience, and keep coming back to that best version?);

• Anytime she shows up, you can consider her the reminder (the temple bell, the alarm, the reliable cue) that you need gentleness right now; that it's time to be kind, make space, go easy, eat greens and chocolate;

• She can also remind you to be extra generous in your assessments of others; see their flaws or bad moments as part of the spectrum they move through; hold the vision of other people's best self;

• She can push you right to surrender. When I'm at my worst, I just give up. I get quiet. I make more eye contact. I listen. I open to what life is going to show me now that I don't already have all figured out. It's a great place to be. It does require trusting in life's kindness. Take a breath and remember that life is much kinder than you're being when you tell yourself you're not allowed to be as you are right now. Life is completely willing to make space for all of you.

 

Your best self is still with you. You don't have to go after her. She'll show up in divine right time, especially if you're kind to her less attractive sister.

Love, Jaya

TAGGED WITH: compassion, Ithaca, Jaya the Trust Coach, kindness to self, self-loathing, surrender, unconditional love