Note that the question submitted here refers to The Work of Byron Katie. This is because I use this method of inquiry with my clients. It's a powerful system (which people can learn to use independently, for free) that allows us to question any thought that isn't serving us or that keeps us from peace.

Dear Jaya,

I don’t know how not to get all upset when I’ve gone the extra mile to make something happen for someone, a particular someone, and he shows no appreciation. I don’t expect that much from him, just a basic acknowledgment!

I’m afraid you’re just going to tell me to get over it. I know about Byron Katie’s Love, Approval, and Appreciation, and the idea not to try to get those from outside of ourselves. I see the wisdom in that, but I’m just not there yet in a close relationship. And I do give a lot. I feel guilty (like I fail at spirituality), because I think I shouldn’t care, but I do.

-- Unappreciated and Guilty

 

Dear UG,

Forget “I shouldn’t care,” because you do care: so work with it.

Forget getting over it, and try this instead: don’t go the extra mile.

Let me amend that: don’t go the extra mile unless every cell of your being wants to go the extra mile. Going the extra mile, then, is all for you—not for Mr. Particular Someone. You go that extra mile because it’s something you love to do. You go because you like being the one who goes the extra mile. You go the extra mile because it gives you pleasure to do for others.

The pleasure, then, is in the doing, not in the getting-something-back (in this case, appreciation, which for most of us won’t easily be pried loose from love and approval). And the gift of doing for someone, then, comes with no trick strings attached.

Who wants you to walk the extra mile for them if you’re going to sit there conspicuously rubbing your feet afterward and whining out loud that no one ever thinks of drawing you a hot bath with Epsom salts? Believe me, I know the tune and caught myself starting to hum it the other day.

See if you can catch yourself when you’re giving with strings attached. Take a pause and ask yourself: Do I want to walk this extra mile (for me!) or not? If it gives you pleasure and makes you bigger and happier to walk the mile, then walk it. Dance it! But if your walking sets up an unfair expectation that someone give something back (however basic), then stop yourself. Stop even if you’re in mid-step. Just say, “Oops, I just realized I’m not up for a big, long walk today.” And move on to what gives you pleasure and makes you bigger and happier.

None of this means, by the way, that you can’t ask for what you want. You can tell Mr. P.S. that you love when he notices what you’ve done and thanks you. But then don’t expect him to remember it.

It’s always your prerogative, too, to choose to hang out with people who are natural appreciators. But if you go this route, I’d still work on not wanting or expecting the appreciation. If you need to work on this, an endless supply of unappreciative people will always be readily available to keep showing up for you until you get it. (You may therefore want to contemplate Mr. P.S.’s other, more sterling qualities before you give him the boot.)

Love, Jaya

Disclaimer: I'm a personal coach specializing in getting people from breakup to breakthrough, or guiding anyone who wants to do deep spiritual work to transform their life experience. I am not a health, business, or financial coach, and I'm not a therapist. Opinions expressed in this column are not intended to replace the advice of licensed professionals.

To submit a question for possible inclusion in a future column, please e-mail Jaya through the contact form on her profile.

 

TAGGED WITH: asking for what you want, Byron Katie, giving, Ithaca, Jaya the Trust Coach, LAA (love-approval-and-appreciation), life coach, life coaching