Dear Jaya,

Sometimes I think I’ll never be in a long-term relationship again because I just don’t have patience for it.  It’s too much work, and I have no patience for that kind of work.  Is there some trick to finding the one who’s worth the effort?

-- Selfish or Lazy or Hopeless

Well, SOLOH, there is a trick you’re playing on yourself.

You think the work is about the other. It’s not. The work is about you, always about you. Anything the other brings up for you—anything you experience in relationship that causes irritation or anger or sadness or shame, anything that requires you to accommodate for her/him, to explain, to negotiate, to please, to refrain from pleasing—it’s all for you. That is, it’s for your good, your growth, your greater well-being. (We could get out big words here if we felt like it: evolution, transformation, realization.)

Whatever comes up only holds up a mirror, to show you what you need to work on. Not what you need to work on for the other: what you need to work on for you. Not what you need to work on because the other has stuff: what you need to work on to clear your own stuff.

Look, most of it just won’t come up if you spend all your time with your loyal, trusty dog or random TV characters. Plenty of it won’t come up even with your children or employers or employees or whatever relationship you’ve got in place that has a power imbalance built in. Even close friends just don’t come as close as a lover. They just don’t get (the mirror) in your face in the same way, do they?

Ultimately, the one who’s worth the effort is you. Are you? Do you want to evolve any more than you already have? If not, then you’re fine as you are—fine single, fine with no patience, fine selfish or lazy or hopeless. But if you do want to grow yourself into the next even more amazing version of you, then first fall in love with yourself. Take the time to be with whatever comes up for you that’s not in the comfort zone or the day at the beach. When you become worth the effort for you, there’s no reason for the other who’s worth it not to show up too.

There are so many ways, while you’re single (or coupled!), that you can let the Universe know you’re willing to work on your stuff. And so many ways you can clearly declare that you’re not.

Most dilemmas in life, even inner conflicts, come down to a choice. The choice here isn’t about how badly you want to work on relationship with another. It’s about how much you want to work on you.

Finally, if you really have no patience for long-term relationship, why not just stay single? (Enjoy the sizzle and smoke of the brief flames!) But then I’d advise two things: 1) work on the selfish, lazy, hopeless parts of yourself anyway. You’ll be happier when you don’t see yourself that way. 2) Quit talking about the lover you’ll never find or the relationship you’ll never have patience for. If you’re still talking, you’re still looking.

Go look in the mirror instead. Or just go take that loyal, trusty dog for a walk.

Love, Jaya

Disclaimer: I'm a personal coach specializing in getting people from breakup to breakthrough, or guiding anyone who wants to do deep spiritual work to transform their life experience. I am not a health, business, or financial coach, and I'm not a therapist. Opinions expressed in this column are not intended to replace the advice of licensed professionals.

To submit a question for possible inclusion in a future column, please e-mail Jaya through the contact form on her profile.

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